Back again

I've basically slacked off on all my resolutions over the last week or so. Honestly though I'm willing to forgive myself. PMS is always the worst time for me and compounding that with the problems I've already been having, well, I decided I needed to focus on surviving each day rather than accomplishing anything. It's like my friend Calming Manatee says: "Some days all you can do is breathe, and that's okay."

Every day this past week or so has been a complete roller coaster. I've been overreacting to things that would never bother me normally, my mood has changed almost instantly and without warning, and my anxiety has been very elevated. All these factors, combined with the typical exhaustion and cramps, kept me inside nearly all weekend, basically since Thursday. Going that long without physically being around people nearly drove me crazy.

Last night I hid. That's unfortunately my typical reaction to anxiety - I hide from people when I need them the most. I don't want to be this way, but I become terrified of everyone, including the ones I usually trust. It had already been such a rough weekend, and Mike had been unwaveringly supportive, as usual, but ast night, the four das of loneliness really took their toll on my emotional wellbeing.

As soon as I was really alone (i.e. not on Skype), I spiraled very quickly. Within 15 minutes I was hiding in the dark, waiting for my panic medication to kick in, contemplating taking a second one, even though I knew that would just make me stoned. I couldn't ask for help because, when I'm in that state, I can't see myself as anything but a burden to those around me. It's lucky for me that my partner is the most patient, wonderful man in the world. He knew something was wrong right away and started trying to pull me out of this hole. I resisted, saying, "I can't be this needy." The response he gave was exactly what I needed to hear, even though I wouldn't have known it: "We need each other." I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone like him, but I don't take it lightly. I tell him nearly every day how much I appreciate him.

Anyway, though, most of the worst has passed and I'm hoping to get back on track with my resolutions this week. I actually have done pretty well still with eating 3 meals a day, but the rest have been out of the window. Last night I made it to bed around 4:30, which is an improvement on the 6 or 7 I was stuck at for most of my long weekend. I plan to use melatonin for the rest of the week to coax myself into a schedule. I couldn't last night because I took panic medicine, one of the magic 3 (3 things I can't combine in any way: panic pills, melatonin, and alcohol). I have put a fair amount of work into my geekstylist blog the last couple of weekends, even though it isn't one of my resolutions (yet). It makes me happy and it gives me just a little direction for my energy. I've written a new post-it for my wall that I find myself looking at a lot. It reads, simply, "It's gonna be okay."