January 2

Yesterday I was thankful for:

• The beginning of a new year
• Our home
• Mothers
• No snow in the driveway
• My own bed

My goal once again is to try and blog everyday and to read the Simple Abundance Book for the whole year!!

It was good to bring in the new year with our friends in Illinois although our besties were unable to be with us due to a sudden illness :(

Took my oldest to the doctor and this was the first time we did not get a good report.  Weight has always been an issue but she seemed to have a rapid heart rate and eczema.  Ended up getting 5 different prescriptions.  We have made a deal to try and get her weight down.  For every lb she loses I will pay her $1 and if she gains she has to pay me.  I am hoping that most of her problems are weight related and we can get that under control.  

Some Improvement

The past few days have felt like a huge improvement -- I really hope it stays that way. I was more social this weekend -- I stayed in on Friday to try and sleep early (that was a bust) but I went to a birthday party on Saturday night and out to dinner Sunday evening. I managed to go to bed a bit earlier each of those nights and I finally feel like I'm approaching an actual schedule. I still feel exhausted, but I think my body is still playing catch-up from last week. Right now I'm trying to get to bed earlier but I'm not worrying about waking up for exercise yet. Maybe I should've started with just one resolution instead of 5. I've managed to get a good handle on eating 3 meals per day already, and the bedtime thing is coming along. Maybe after that's all squared away I can think about exercise or chores a little more.

Dinner last night was especially helpful because I finally got the chance to talk to someone here about how hard it's been and have them share similar feelings. Huge relief. Not to mention we actually seem to have a lot in common. Hopefully I've made a new friend. I just need to really internalize the lesson that it's okay to ask for help.

Rough Monday

I didn't get a chance to write about Monday night. The short version of the story is that I'm not really getting back on track like I planned. It was just a really awful combination of things that let to me having my roughest night in a very long time. Hormones, sleep deprivation, anxiety, depression, loneliness, and a caffeine crash. Recipe for disaster, really. I made it to sleep around 8.

It was odd; just when I was reaching a point when I thought I could go to sleep, I started panicking very suddenly. It became the worst attack I've ever had, lasting about 10 minutes. It was just as I was finally coming down from it that I checked my email and saw that Jerry had contacted me. Under normal circumstances I would have been able to stay calm, but I was extremely on edge at this point. I was very close to panicking again, but I managed to keep it together. In any case, I spent the next day resting (though I did make it to the one class I had).

Last night I made it to bed around 4. Not bad, relatively speaking, but I still haven't slept quite enough. On top of that, in all the chaos of the last couple of days, I forgot a presentation that I was supposed to have done for today. I was supposed to do it with a partner, but, for some reason, though she messaged me twice about working on it, I didn't get the messages until this morning. Thanks, facebook. All I can really do is tell the professor the truth and see if there's a way I can make up for it. (Update: my professor was really cool about it -- I just have to turn in a written piece for next class.)

The hardest thing right now is feeling like I'm constantly getting knocked back on my ass every time I think it's going to get better. There are things I've been meaning to accomplish for weeks and never seem to have the energy or motivation for, for some reason or another. It's a miracle I've managed to keep up with basic responsibilities like class and tutoring. I guess I should be thankful for that.

Back again

I've basically slacked off on all my resolutions over the last week or so. Honestly though I'm willing to forgive myself. PMS is always the worst time for me and compounding that with the problems I've already been having, well, I decided I needed to focus on surviving each day rather than accomplishing anything. It's like my friend Calming Manatee says: "Some days all you can do is breathe, and that's okay."

Every day this past week or so has been a complete roller coaster. I've been overreacting to things that would never bother me normally, my mood has changed almost instantly and without warning, and my anxiety has been very elevated. All these factors, combined with the typical exhaustion and cramps, kept me inside nearly all weekend, basically since Thursday. Going that long without physically being around people nearly drove me crazy.

Last night I hid. That's unfortunately my typical reaction to anxiety - I hide from people when I need them the most. I don't want to be this way, but I become terrified of everyone, including the ones I usually trust. It had already been such a rough weekend, and Mike had been unwaveringly supportive, as usual, but ast night, the four das of loneliness really took their toll on my emotional wellbeing.

As soon as I was really alone (i.e. not on Skype), I spiraled very quickly. Within 15 minutes I was hiding in the dark, waiting for my panic medication to kick in, contemplating taking a second one, even though I knew that would just make me stoned. I couldn't ask for help because, when I'm in that state, I can't see myself as anything but a burden to those around me. It's lucky for me that my partner is the most patient, wonderful man in the world. He knew something was wrong right away and started trying to pull me out of this hole. I resisted, saying, "I can't be this needy." The response he gave was exactly what I needed to hear, even though I wouldn't have known it: "We need each other." I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone like him, but I don't take it lightly. I tell him nearly every day how much I appreciate him.

Anyway, though, most of the worst has passed and I'm hoping to get back on track with my resolutions this week. I actually have done pretty well still with eating 3 meals a day, but the rest have been out of the window. Last night I made it to bed around 4:30, which is an improvement on the 6 or 7 I was stuck at for most of my long weekend. I plan to use melatonin for the rest of the week to coax myself into a schedule. I couldn't last night because I took panic medicine, one of the magic 3 (3 things I can't combine in any way: panic pills, melatonin, and alcohol). I have put a fair amount of work into my geekstylist blog the last couple of weekends, even though it isn't one of my resolutions (yet). It makes me happy and it gives me just a little direction for my energy. I've written a new post-it for my wall that I find myself looking at a lot. It reads, simply, "It's gonna be okay."

Slight improvement

Numerically I didn't do much better than yesterday, but my reasons are more understandable this time. I really tried to go to bed on time last night, but my brain wouldn't rest, so that ended up being a total bust -- I went to bed later than I have in a long time. Again, that stopped me from exercising in the morning. On the bright side though, I did get all 3 of my meals today, even if my lunch was relatively small. I didn't get a chore done, but that's because I was barely home all day -- I consider that an improvement in and of itself. I am much happier when I'm busy. Short post, but it's getting close to bed time -- I've got a field trip tomorrow.

• Bedtime: No, but I tried
• Exercise: No
• Chore: No, but for good reason
• Meals: Yes
• Blog: Yes

Less than Successful

Well, today wasn't all that wonderful in terms of my resolutions -- unfortunate that it's such a bad start, but I guess that gives me room to improve. I definitely didn't make my bedtime last night -- I didn't sleep until about 3:00. I wasn't even that depressed, as is normally the problem. I just got caught up in other things and wasn't feeling tired enough. Because of that, though, I slept in quite late this morning and missed my first class. I did get notes from a classmate though, so I'm not in too much trouble there. Not getting up also meant that I didn't go running when I normally would have.

I had planned on going out to dinner with some other girls from the program, but we decided to postpone until tomorrow. I ended up snacking too much and didn't eat a real dinner, so that plan didn't work too well either. On the bright side, I did get my one chore done: laundry. And I'm blogging right now, so I guess I'm 2 for 5. (Number 6 only counts on Sundays.)

Result:

• Bedtime: No
• Exercise: No
• Chore: Yes
• Meals: No
• Blog: Yes

Resolving to get my life together

So I'm going to start logging my progress with the resolutions I've picked out to help me get my life together -- get myself into a routine where I don't feel like I'm fighting myself all the time. Since I feel like I took a giant step back when I moved to Spain, this is starting out with some very simple, basic things that most people find very easy to do. I'm going to try to blog each day about how I've done with each of these resolutions -- hopefully I'll start to see an improvement. My current resolutions are as follows:

• Keep a bedtime: 12:30 on school nights, 2:00 on weekends
• Exercise: running on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays
• Accomplish one thing off of my to-do list per day (not including homework -- that needs to get done regardless)
• Eat 3 meals per day
• Blog about my progress daily
• Paint my nails every Sunday

The first few seem pretty basic, but like I said, I've been having a hard time even keeping to those. The last one is because I need a way to start feeling more like myself again, and painting my nails used to be one of my favorite hobbies. One of the lessons I'm trying to take to heart that I read on Real Simple's website is that I need to control the tiny little things I can control. That's kind of what all this is about. There are a lot of things that I can't easily change -- the fact that I'm lonely, homesick, and miss my family, friends, and boyfriend -- but these are the things I can take control of.